“Miss me yet?” – 2019
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Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
We’re getting a mini moon for two months, and it’s just called “2024 PT5”. That’s a terrible name. I’m going to call it Gary.
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that