“Miss me yet?” – 2019
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At the beginning of the week our boss told us to not talk this week because ownership was visiting which is insane but today I learned there was an office pool to see how long before I yapped and it was over $500 I’m reporting the winner to the IRS
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
*kicking in your front door*
I’M GONNA REARRANGE YOUR FURNITURE IT LOOKS STUPID
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this