“Miss me yet?” – 2019
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“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
At urgent care with my 8yo
Nurse: is she allergic to anything?
8yo (child of a lawyer): We don’t know because I haven’t tried everything.😆
(May have a sprained or broken foot 🤪)
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Me after TurboTax asks me to confirm I’ve reviewed all of the documents (I don’t understand anything)
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.