“Miss me yet?” – 2019
You Might Also Like
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
A couple walks toward me with their dog, a Briard. Of course they want me to ask about the dog. I pretend I don’t speak English.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
Fun Things
Me: *making tea*
Also me 6 minutes later: what the hell is that whistling sound?!
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
I cleaned under the fridge and the stove. Found 47 dog treats and 3 ibuprofen. So an even 50 treats then.
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
My Target bill was $23 this month. Either I am really getting my shit together or someone at corporate has made a terrible mistake.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”