Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
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My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
“Hope you’re enjoying the sunshine!”
No, I’m at a desk reading your email.
My ducks may not be in a row, but at least they’re having fun. Your ducks probably hate you for making them line up like that.
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
I saw some guy got arrested when he tried to steal two salamis by sticking them in his pants. I bet if he had only stolen one, he might have gotten away with it.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
You can get away with having a large pile of dirty clothes easily, if you put a sign on top of them that sais ”Experiment”
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?