I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
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[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
😂😂😂
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
our love story in four pictures
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!