“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
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Pat Sajak: I’m Pat Sajak.
Me: Jack.
Pat Sajak: No, my last name is Sajak.
Me: Jack.
I think the 2 yr old is ready to watch Texas Chainsaw Massacre
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know that I can run 83 mph?
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles