Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
You Might Also Like
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
Other than that, Mrs. Gloop, how was the chocolate factory?
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
Me: We are leaving in an hour
Teens: Okay
*58 mins later*
Teens: *start cooking their lunch*
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
My main takeaway from The Walking Dead is that you can eat the eight-year-old canned food that’s in the back of the pantry.
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
“What’s your favourite childhood memory?”
Not paying bills.
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea