Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
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[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
#SCOTUS one-star review
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?