Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
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Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
as you get older nothing loses its sting more than an authority figure saying they are disappointed in you. like I don’t know what to tell you, Darryl, we can’t both live in the prison of your expectations
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)