Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
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The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
THE AUDACITY. 😤
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
A comic by Dan Piraro
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
The key to a successful marriage is never go to bed married
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”