Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
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Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
what
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W