Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
You Might Also Like
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
My hot flashes are so bad, I’m not allowed to go anywhere near Greenland.
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
“when we kissed, I saw fireworks” you mean the kiss was super boring despite also being incredibly loud and scaring the shit out of my dog?
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?