Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho

imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do

if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming

My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser

Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?

Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter

If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.

me: so how do i look

eye doc: terrible

me: think glasses would help

eye doc: no i can see you fine

[about to climb Mt. Everest]

Me: omg is there no parking ?

When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.

I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.

Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?

Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.

Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.

Me:

Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”

You: “Why? What’s happened?”

Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”

*Drunk dials Mr. Clean

My house is soooooo dirty right now.

Reviews of Hogwarts

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”

“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb

YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:

Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.

I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn

A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.

Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher

Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.

Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?

i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot

My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.

Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.

Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?

Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.

Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money

Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower

my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.

I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.

wife: do you need help in there?

me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave

walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?

me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR

As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.