crazy how after i got my braces off i never heard from my orthodontist again…like no calls no nothin…no guidance…am i still on the right track Dr. Payne please answer it’s been ten years I need you
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
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Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
Cat: Why are you looking at me?
Me: You’re acting strange.
Me: Are you on drugs?
Cat: Drugs…you’re the one who thinks I’m talking.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
Watch me get this baby up to 90 miles per hour!
– inventor of the infant catapult moments before his arrest
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
I love snow
– People who never shovel
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.