Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
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So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please