Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
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Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
one thing I never see discussed in the remote vs office debate is the ability to have sex with my wife who also wfh during the day. much easier while the kids at school and huge boon for my productivity. not sure how to explain to my boss who wants me at the office more
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
When can I start eating bats again.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
gave a tox lecture and i made a funny joke and one of students says “haha my friend told me about this joke when you made it for his class last year”
omg my worst nightmare the students are finding out i reuse my jokes noooooo
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.