Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
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Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
I open a fancy cigarette case and offer you a stick of beef jerky.
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
Pretty much. 🤣
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
Thank you to the army of faceless accounts boosting my content
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
Good advice.
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
“Yeah, I was hoping you could help us. We’re trying to find a motel that takes cash and doesn’t ask a lot of questions.”
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
funny guys are dangerous they make you laugh and laugh then boom they hit you with a shovel and throw you in a ditch
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.