Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
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Yes
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
“Huge”.
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
At least try to make it slightly believable
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
Finally, a door that understands me
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.