Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
You Might Also Like
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
“playing devil’s advocate” should cause explosive diarrhea 1 out of every 5 times someone (your coworker) says it
*watching our 7yo’s softball game*
Me: Where’s our kid?
Him: The one dancing
Me: Ah, yes
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
My bad habits got renewed for another season.
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
I’m hunting wabbits…
