Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
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Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
my 9yo: does your friend Scott know that he could just spell his name with one t and it would sound exactly the same?
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
Our public library is holding a “Read with a Firefighter” event. I tried to sign up, but it’s only for ages 6 – 9.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.