Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name

But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?

Women drinking coffee.

My three favorite things.

I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand

Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?

Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.

“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.

Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.

Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.

Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.

My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza

I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.

Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean

*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*

*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*

Map: I have a boyfriend

When Batman suddenly arrives and it’s just the shadow of him with glowing white eyes? That’s what I look like to the English muffins when I walk into the kitchen in the morning

Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.

me: I don’t like other people’s kids

them: how old are yours?

me: I don’t have any

baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –

baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!

I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit

Wow, your teeth are white.

Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?

“Where do babies comes from?”

Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.

All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs

Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.

When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.

ME: I want a koi swimming downstream

TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?

ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth

So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”

*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*

ATTENBOROUGH: What the-

WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID

A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”

It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”

If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.

Follow me for more recipes.

Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move

Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…

Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct

Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow

This is your brain-
*holds out egg*

This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*