Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”

I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..

There all like awww shit,

who’s it gonna be this time

Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..

“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”

[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]

waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews

Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.

Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.

How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War

I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.

when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van

I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play

*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues*

*I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*

Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.

My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.

My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.

[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit

[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit

No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe

My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey

Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao

Me: what stopped you

Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.

As someone who has fallen for one of the classic blunders, being involved in a land war in Asia, I can tell you that I can be tricked into almost anything

ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,

THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.

ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.

THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY

BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.

Terminally online people getting ready to drop the VP pick in the group chat the second it’s announced.

Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing

Me: fine

[Later]

Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands

When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…

Best things to pull:

9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger

Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!

Her: ok….. you pick the place

Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught

Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.

Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:

Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot

When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”