Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this

Earth reviews

⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”

TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”

If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.

A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.

Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies

me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02

me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06

me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28

E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.

I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter

Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.

TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!

A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.

On the way to school.

*at museum*

Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?

Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things

Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here

Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy

I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.

science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”

Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.

WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing

Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up

– squirrels

one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom

Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!

[8 years later]

Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.

adam and eve had first world problems

{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.

*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*

Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up

Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.

I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian

I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?

The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today

jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy

Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.