Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?

Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.

If I was a boss I would treat my goons right. They would know love. “You got it, boss” will be met with “Stay safe out there, boys. You’re my pride and joy”

The three ages of bureaucrat:

Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?

Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings

Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings

Child: Turkey pancakes?!

Me: I also have turkey hash, turkey sausages, and make sure you drink your turkey nog.

Wife: I told you the bird was too big

my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing

Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.

Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.

Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.

the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen

now i lay me down to sleep
i pray the lord my soul to keep
and if i die before i wake
please hurl my phone into a lake

Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.

[Subway}

ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?

Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.

“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan

[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it

“Can I have a pound of onions please.”

“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”

“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”

Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed

Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.

mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul

wife: oh my god she’s possessed

me: you sure? I mean you know her better but

Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes

Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes

Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.

God: at least you have a cool name.

Swordfish: so?

God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.

Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?

Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?

Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.

Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.

4th grade student: How old are you?

Me: Quite a bit older than you.

Student: So like 23?

Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.

Shit: bowel movement

Sh t: vowel movement
i

Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk

People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.

IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”

My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance