Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Telling my car to speak English when a dashboard light comes on.

You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”

Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.

My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”

My wife died, so I was a free man.

Then she came back and bit me.

How can we make people tell the truth?

“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”

Me: *giving blood*

Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?

why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth

You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.

Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.

My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?

Me: Wait til after dinner

Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!

My favorite female superhero

Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.

[grocery store]
Cashier: hi there

Customer: hello

Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol

Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?

My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.

WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?

~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom

For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.

Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?

Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.

BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?

ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?

BOSS: Sure. Busy day?

ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.

When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit

[exiting the voting booth with a little cup of urine] does anybody know who I give this too?

You: 2020 couldn’t get worse

Murder Hornet: Hold my venom

Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.

Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.

Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?

Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.

[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”

[music store]

me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar

him: sir, that’s a mandolin

My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.

When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.