“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
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Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
they should invent a rest for the wicked
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
I tried to speak French one time, accidentally swallowed like 6 words
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.