“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
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*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray