Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
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On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
I swear to god after this election I’m taking a long break from social media for 2-3 hours
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
took a gummy earlier and I’m sitting outside. The same bush to my left has scared the shit out of me at least 4 times over the last 20 minutes.
[marriage counsellor looking at me after my wife is done speaking] why do you want to be on the masked singer so badly?
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*