Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time

Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.

Roses are red
Violets are blue…

The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.

Did you hear about the man who was using apples and oranges for flooring?

He started to lay them down when he realized it was fruit-tile

#LunchPun

Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.

If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.

There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos

Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”

Here’s what we have say about that:

My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.

The way my parents talk about their new cat, you’d think they didn’t already have 3 kids and 4 grandkids.

When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.

U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything

I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.

Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.

Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.

I believe it was the great and ancient philosophers who once foretold a most wise and accurate existential statement that transcends all time and space: I fuck around, therefore I find out.

Pickled cat.

once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3

House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.

[hotel room]

Her: why are you making the bed

Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen

Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.

Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?

[22 minutes later]

Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick

Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.

agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin

I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.

My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.

*kids walking

Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!

Kids: Okay!

*continue walking at exactly the same pace

The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.

[first date]

HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.

ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.

Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.

Alexa; make it look like an accident