Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
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Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
[David Attenborough watching me trying to chase down an ice cream truck in my flip flops] Astounding
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
[day after the beast’s household got turned back into people]
beauty:beast:
beauty:
beast:
beauty: …so we just don’t have cups now?
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.