Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
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In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
DAD: All I want you to do is get some water. This is the simplest task I can possibly imagine. Promise me you won’t bungle this.
JACK AND JILL: We’re on it.
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
“Does this library still have a place to eat in the basement?”
“We don’t have a place to eat, and we don’t actually have a basement.”
“Wow, really? What changed?”
“Your current position in the multiverse, I’m guessing.”
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
Yes, my kid will do the required amount of maths homework for a 6yo… when he has kids and they turn 6.
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”