MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
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[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
bruh why was i singing a song in the uber and the driver was like “nah u havin too much fun” and changed the song ????😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
Why there is always a kid crying when I go to the store? Dude. You aren’t the one paying for groceries. Stop.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
Pizza rolls are shaped like little pillows because you’re ready for a nap after eating 50 or 60 of them.
I drove my new Corvette over to see my daughter’s puppy. First time I took my Vette to the dog.
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows