Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT

If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.

Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!

In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.

*At the bar*

Me: What do you have on tap?

Bartender: Bud and Bud Light

Me: I’ll have a Coke.

UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.

Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen

Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!

*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”

You want me to go apple picking? The original sin???

jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien

therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources

bezos: so that i can build my spaceship

therapist:

bezos: *licks eyeball*

Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…

… free of charge.

Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples

“Would you rather be right or—“

YES

The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.

Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.

Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.

mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.

coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning

me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast

ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life

EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography

“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”

Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.

my dog: chomp, chomp

me: hey what’s in your mouth

my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM

You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.

Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:

My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

Me: That’s crazy

Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain

*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*

Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip

If you turn it upside down, a pyramid scheme works out nicely for everyone except the one guy at the bottom.

Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?

That’s kind of worrying.

I just heard my husband quietly say to the baby, “you are really cute . . . do you think we’re cute too?”