MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
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Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?