Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.

*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*

i love re-reading my favorite book

I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.

“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”

I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”

My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.

My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.

my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀

I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician

Only sending condolence cards when someone dies is not enough. We need a range of cards that enable us to sympathise with people about smaller things too

My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️

What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.

-Do you have this t-shirt on large
-Sir, it’s a yard sale

Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.

my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?

me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one

Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury

Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?

Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets

Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!

quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing

My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.

Me: I’ve hit rock bottom

The Rock: Harder

You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.

Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.

Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.

Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:

Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.

Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah

Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full

Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty

Excel: The glass is the 1st of February

What legos do when we’re not looking.