Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary

Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.

After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.

You know what sucks about Karaoke?

Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna

🙋‍♀️

A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.

We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters

You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables

2015: cake by the ocean

2020: the ocean is cake

i’m so confused by this landlord’s request for “proof of employment” after I’ve sent him multiple W2s, pay stubs, and bank statements. does he want my github

Engraved on my tombstone:

No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.

Especially at night.

NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said

A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.

me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.

he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control

Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.

My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated

*wakes up in cremation oven*

*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.

Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer

ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.

NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.

Election Day is on a Tuesday because our government cannot compete with Monday Night Football

Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.

Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no

My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.

My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.

In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!

In my 40s : uh oh

I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???

Note to self:

When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”

I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia