Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain

All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!

I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.

So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.

The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.

Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.

Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.

[at DMV]

Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first

Guy in line: that’s not a thing!

Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu

Guy: wha-

Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*

Clerk: cup or cone

Me: cone pls 🙂

Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie

I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed

me: my father shall hear of this

them: is he powerful and wealthy?

me: no we’re just close

I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.

I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.

If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…

It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.

Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.

Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆

If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.

9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?

Me: Let me think about it

9yo: *gives me a hug*

9yo: Did that help?

If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.

Boss: Why were you late today?

Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*

Me: Traffic.

Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh

Darth Vader: they blew up the Death Star

Emperor: [laughing] I overinsured it by 8 trillion imperial credits

Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.

I got mad at a rock today.

I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.

Now there are two rocks.

Send help. Now.

I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart

Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.

Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.

Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.

FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?

ME: uhh…yeah…of course

[later]

ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine

“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers

I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL