Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.

There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.

Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.

I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”

[chopped]

Judge 1: this is disgusting

Judge 2: the chicken is raw

Judge 3: why are there froot loops

[the rat under my hat starts biting me]

So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.

Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is

Wife: That’s the Olympics

“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”

— Centipede parents

After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.

beware of dog
(jukin media)

duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?

cow: I hate when you boss me around

farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?

cow: you herd me

How to speak Irish…
WHALE
OIL
BEEF
HOOKED

(say it fast)

Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”

“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume

How to get a job on Game of Thrones:

Q: Can you act?

A: Sorta

Q: Will you get naked?

A: Yes

HIRED!

My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.

I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…

4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff

Me: But you don’t have any more money

4: That’s okay, we can use your money

[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.

I think it’s funny when people talk about the placement of a hair part being in or out of style, like thanks for the info but my hair does not involve me in any of its decision making processes.

me: how can I impress your dad?

gf: he’s really into cars

me: ok

[later]
her dad: nice to meet you

me: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie

screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks

Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs

*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB

My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.

Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is

Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.

Also me:

I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”

Actually, I do.

DATE: So tell me something about yourself

ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’

HER: I need to see other people