Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
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I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
My husband obviously loves my style, anytime I say “How do I look?” He doesn’t even have to look at me, he just replies “Gorgeous.”
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.