Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.

Is there a sale on stupidity, cause that shit is everywhere.

No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled

I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another

dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river

The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.

When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.

We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.

A chilling warning for the old people in my village.

Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation

*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking

thug: do you have a gram

drug dealer: yeah

grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit

You’d think a philharmonic orchestra would have at least one harmonica, but nope.

Ghost: Death is coming for you

Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous

[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]

stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you

[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]

INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.

ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.

INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.

Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.

to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂

to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂

Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.

no

ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol

SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from

no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers

there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”

I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.

Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.

doctor: what seems to be the problem

t-rex: I cant feel my legs

doctor: go on

t-rex: because I’ve got little arms

doctor: get out

3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean

me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water

3: [smiling] I already got ice water

When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.

baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou

They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.