Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.

i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me

Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.

I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.

Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator

They should invent a self-checkout where someone else scans the items and puts them in a bag.

Why is it spelled camouflage and not

Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough

Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life

Wife: Yes of course!

Medium: He has something to say to you

Wife: omg go on

Medium: woof

Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.

A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…

I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it

The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.

This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.

Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.

This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….

Long story short….Send bail money…

Me: Nothing is set in stone.

Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.

My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”

I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?

We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.

Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.

Me: Nachos.

Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.

Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?

Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.

Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?

The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.

bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?

me: hey give that back 🙁

[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]

I’m like American Cheese.

Krafty and oh so single.

Also terrible for you.

I love when you stroke my ego.

My ego is inside my panties.

Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.

[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]

*sawing person in half*

Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*

Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?

Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.

This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.