Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[watching action movie]

*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*

me: damn, I bet that felt really good

Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf

As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over

I stopped carrying a grudge

Weigh me now

cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you

Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.

I look after plant pots and hanging baskets for celebrities, which means I tend to shrub holders with the rich and famous.

Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.

But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.

Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.

a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.

Press 1 for English
Press 2 For Spanish

Press 1 or 2 for Indian

WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.

ME: Ugh fine.

[later]

WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?

ME: His name is torch now.

What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.

Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there

Toddlers & Ghosts

-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards

Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday

Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal

Dad: (just bawling)

I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh

58.

Asks AI, “I nicked my leg shaving.”

AI results, “Remove leg”

Wife: I’m home.

Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-

Wife:

Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…

Wife: what did you do?

When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?

– kids

Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?

Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?

before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.

I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door

Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)

Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.

In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.

*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*

Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.

this is the greatest thing ever

My son, 5, scared of the thunder.

I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.

Think that helped.