Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
You Might Also Like
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
Jane Austen was probably going after someone she knew/hated when writing Lady Catherine de Bourgh and it’s so fun to imagine her friends reading it being like OMG GIRL NO YOU DIDNT 😂😂😂🤭🤭🤭🤭🤭
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
BRAKING NEWS!!
An AI comedian? The jokes write themselves.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause