Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tell the colonel to bring it

I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.

Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics

And just like that, civilisation reached its limits

Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.

Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??

hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday

Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’

onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it

Them: You have a choice-

Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.

Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”

[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible

[blind date]

HER: I love the fall

ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming

When I was a kid I assumed all Christmas songs were about Jesus because that was all I was exposed to so everytime I heard Last Christmas I was like…why would Jesus do that

acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life

unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life

The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.

*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”

[summons genie]

genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes

me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote

genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works

When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.

[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value

Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does

son: *holding acorn* what’s this?

me: a tree

son: really?

me: in a nutshell, yeah

Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.

By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”

Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser

As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”

you come to me? on a friday at 4pm

Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.