Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
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7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
Waking up to America feels like when you accidentally skip a cut scene and have to figure out why the level is suddenly even more on fire.
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
it’s amazing how alcohol feels great and also has zero negative longterm side effects
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something