Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?

Cause I just Camelot.

I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid

Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.

[used car lot]

Customer: Do you have any mini vans?

Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall

[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]

Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!

no cat here

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*

COP: Oh dang

Kidney stones? Hard pass

Me: when is your birthday

Her: March 1st

Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?

Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.

Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.

“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it

I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.

Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.

Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.

It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020

I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?

I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush

Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.

10: Mom what’s a metaphor?

Me: My life is a train wreck.

10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?

college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”

A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.

When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy

Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.

I was up all night reading about insomnia

Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.

Me: Okay.

[30 minutes later]

Son: What keeps beeping??

Me: I have no idea

Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.

Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.

kidnapper: we have your son

dad: oh my god let me talk to him

kidnapper: very well

dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees