Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*

Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.

Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.

professor x: whats your superpower

ostrich: i lay big egg

professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast

ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale

[First day working in an optometrists]

Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.

Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?

Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol

I’m going to tell you a story. It’s a story…

evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…

Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.

I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle

Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage

Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd

Doctor: Oh no

Wife: Oh shit he’s the same

A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.

friend: our baby was a surprise

me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how

My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!

It’s Mental Health Day today.

– Sent from the app that literally causes anxiety.

Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.

I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party

When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.

Bitcoin. Toothurt.

My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee

Huh, this is a first

Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before

They must know

[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?

I had 2 critical meetings on Tuesday. I was SO worried & nervous about them but it went okay. I was composed. I was fierce. I was prepared. And I was wearing my shirt backward the entire time. (I only realized after I got home.)

Are these grass-fed oranges?

People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.

ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here

ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857

“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”

– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date

I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.

In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.

I’m not ready to adopt a highway I can barely raise my own driveway.

Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat

Me: “Am I pretty?”

3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”

Me: “Am I handsome?”

3-year-old: “No.”