Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
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How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color