Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.

I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.

Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it

The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.

*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?

Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.

Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.

Worm: What is it?

Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”

*turns on alarm*

Alarm: I have a headache

I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.

8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard

6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda

DOG 911: What’s your emer-

DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE

DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?

DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

Currently experiencing the worst thing that can happen to a person (folding laundry)

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.

My toxic trait is treating my glasses like they’re not the most expensive thing I wear everyday.

why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?

Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.

On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.

(gets pulled over)

wife: be nice.

cop: do you have any drugs?

me: yeah man help yourself.

Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.

Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.

A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see

I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line

Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.

Me: So you have it too?

*Refuses to go to the gym

Adds resistance training to workout list.

“Password is incorrect”

*resets password*

“New password cannot be the same as the old password”

hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly

I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.

Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.

HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same

You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word

“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.