Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is why science literacy is so important, kids.

Son: dad how do they fit people into those little urns when they die?

Dad: well have you seen honey i shrunk the kids ?

Son: yes

Dad: great movie but it’s not like that they use a big fire

My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.

[trying on a camouflage jacket]

Me: how much is this

Store Clerk: how much is what

Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company

Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.

Every photo I’m tagged in

Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle

My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.

She has spoken more words today than I did in December.

You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.

(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like

my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.

me:

me: nooks and crannies?

him: it’s a kind of candy.

me: whew

Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?

🙅🏻

[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too

Baby is born.

Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.

3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.

Me: Theeeere it is.

asking my doctor to give me the Marilyn Manson rib removal surgery to make more room for the hotdog eating contest

A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.

[ interview ]

cable company: where do you see yourself in five years

me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?

cable company: when can you start

me: between monday and july

overrated: crying in the shower

underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos

New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.

ME: let’s not fight

DOCTOR: you punched me

ME: you stabbed me

DOCTOR: with a needle

ME: let’s not fight

For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.

I’m not average. I’m mean.

some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon

Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.

Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.

I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.

Never mind, someone else just got on.

Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.

“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”

WebMD: Parenthood