Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
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I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
what do you want
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.