Mission: Impossible
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pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
This is the best photo of Mount Fuji
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker