Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
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Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
This time of year I randomly remember going to this chaotic family dinner. I made a comment about how peanuts grow in the ground like potatoes instead of on a tree. My brother in law couldn’t accept this, called me a liar, yelled when it was googled & has not spoken to me since.
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.