Mission Impossible…๐๐๐
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โThereโs no eye in Teamsโ I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
serial killer: youโre in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so youโre gonna let me live
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
murder on the timeline
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
Kids nowadays donโt know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were โInformah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwnโ and we just had to accept it.
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
Never know who youโll run into at the gas station!
I miss childhood because my back didnโt hurt and I didnโt have to make dinner every night
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust youโll remember this donation to your toy factory when youโre deciding which list I belong on.
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: Weโve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: Moreโmore for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can alsoโ
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
[date]
Her: Iโm a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge