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A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
The investigative skill of our customs officers is unbelievable. As in this case, it is often a tiny, almost imperceptible nuance that alerts their attention and leads to a seizure.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face