Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
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Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
Everyone is a genius until they try to use someone else’s microwave.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
grotesque if literal: baby food
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
I could never work in an aquarium I would have a penguin under my shirt at the end of the shift
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.