[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
Mission Impossible? He’s done four of them now. Let’s call it “Mission Pretty Hard but Ultimately Doable”
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My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
A woman in front of me is taking forever to decide on her coffee order. Might unleash the raw fury of my passive aggressive deep sigh but there are children watching
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
Waiter: what can I get you gentlemen
Friend: I’ll have a hamburger and he’ll have th-
Me: -dude I’m an adult I can order myself
Friend: okay sorry go ahead
Me: 69 orders of french fries please
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.