@RastaHipsta

Mission Impossible? He’s done four of them now. Let’s call it “Mission Pretty Hard but Ultimately Doable”

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@__candypants

Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.

@ceejoyner

Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.

@hipchkk

I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”

@SkinnerSteven

[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”

@ddsmidt

I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.

@JonasPolsky

I was about to commit suicide, but then a Nicki Minaj song came on the radio — so I committed suicide twice.

@MariyaAlexander

Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.

@MicheleAKALips

Sometimes when I’m bored I send a text to a random number saying, “ok they’re dead, what do I do with the body?”

@jlock17

Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.

@nerdjpg

It’s 2007. You’re working on a PowerPoint for school. It’s about ancient Egypt. You select the Papyrus font.

“Yes, Perfect”