Yes
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The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
This made me smile…
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
You deplete me
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?