Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
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No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
Finally got to experience my longtime dream today of getting sent the wrong zoom link for a meeting and entering a different, much more important meeting where everyone stared at their screen in confusion until the person in charge politely asked me who I was
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
i hope my email finds you on fire
Would you wear it?
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
how was your vacation
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.