Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”

….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.

[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]

Stylist: How’s the water temperature?

[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]

Me: It’s fine

Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like

There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.

I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.

I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.

Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial

Do zombies go to heaven when they die?

I hope so.

There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.

-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.

McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…

Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.

Thanked a rival dad at the neighborhood chili cook off for making his mild so my kids could have some.

If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.

Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.

Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.

I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.

Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.

Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.

Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.

Her: I agree but can we land first?

[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train

My good tweets are in my other pants.

I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”

He has no idea 🤡

[Watching the news]

This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.

FRIEND: so how are you?

ME: I’m well, thanks!

FRIEND: what’s new?

ME: not much!

FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?

ME: why are you doing this to me

*composes email*

*proofreads*

*hovers mouse over send button*

*proofreads again*

*is about to send*

*proofreads a third time*

*gets glass of water*

*proofreads once more*

*finally sends email*

*re-reads email just for good measure*

OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO

I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.

ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.

I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.

Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐

cop: do you know why I pulled you over?

me: I’m not psychic, Craig

cop: my name is Greg

me: I work at Starbucks