mission: save the cat
obstacles: the cat
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cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
Friend: When did you fall in love with your husband?
Me: When he called it, “Wash your sister sauce.”
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.