Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
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Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
The Joker was right
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo