Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
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Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]