Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) math

What I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller

I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.

…żyje?

7: mom what’s chicken made of?

me: um, chicken

7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?

me: no…

7: how about our dog?

me: *rips up application to harvard*

Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…

me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed

GF: it’s ok lol

[middle of the night]

me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana

me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.

Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem

An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.

Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.

Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se

The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.

May he RIP in peace.

Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?

Me: *sound of footsteps running away*

I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain

T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH

[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”

Kim – Where is North West?

Kanye – *takes out compass*

Kim – I mean my baby!

Kanye – I’m right here.

Kim – Jesus Kanye!

Kanye – Yeezus*

Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.

I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.

[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half

*goes down on one knee*

One Knee: I have a girlfriend

[Weights bench at the gym]

ME: …327…328…329…

PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise

Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.

Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’

I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share

NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead

ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time

I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.

I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat

I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.