Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud

*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”

I hate it when you ask what you thought was a simple question in a meeting at work, and it turns into another meeting.

me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”

Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days

I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.

Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.

Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.

Sucks in stomach. Another chin pops out.

Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage

I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”

[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans

Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it

You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt

[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes

You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled

[death row]

Guard: alright tough guy one last meal

Me: a cyanide pill

Guard: what? no we want to kill you!

Me: too bad

Guard: aw man

I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.

You’re locked in a room with nothing but 88 keys, none of which unlock the door. How do you escape?

A piano has 88 keys! All you need to do is play a scale on the piano, then step on the scale and get a weigh.

How’d you get a black eye?

Walked into a door.

[Later, another shiner]

More doors?

*nods*

One does not simply walk into more doors.

me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure

Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok

**Pixar Film Themes Guide**

Toy Story: Jealousy

WALL-E: Environmentalism

Up: Bereavement

Cars: Cars

we don’t understand the earliest recorded jokes from ancient mesopotamia because we lack necessary context. what if there’s a guy in 4,000 years like “my theory is they had specially trained shrimp that did all of the rice frying”

“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.

Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.

I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy

It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories

Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?

Kid: Yep

Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher

Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking

Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.

{After Eclipse}

Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?